5 Ways To Support A Child With Anxiety
Introduction To Childhood Anxiety
Having your child suffer from severe anxiety can be as painful as them having a full-blown sickness. And it is entirely possible that your child themselves is suffering as much as they would with a full-blown illness. Every parent in this situation wants to know what they can do to help.
If your child is suffering from anxiety or an anxiety-related disorder, obviously, the ideal scenario is to get help and support from trained professionals. Yet sadly, it can be challenging to persuade the child to enter a therapy process that involves talking to strangers. Not only that, in New Zealand, we have a severe shortage of therapists and counsellors. The struggle to figure out what to do as a parent is one of the hardest parts of having a child suffer from anxiety.
So what can you do to help your kid? Here are a few very basic suggestions on the sort of approach and mindset that can be helpful. Please don’t take it as an alternative to seeking professional help for your child; more just an orientation towards some of the basics.
1. Stop Fixing it
Ironically the thing we want to achieve most is to fix the issue. However the efforts we make in chasing the ‘fix’ down can be counter-productive, especially if you go about it in ways the child misinterprets or misunderstands.
Ultimately whether they admit it or not, what children crave the most is their parent’s love and approval. On some level, they crave this far more than solutions to their anxiety. If your child feels that your response to their struggles is overwhelmingly a problem-solving response, there is a danger that they view this as a lack of acceptance of them as individuals. Crazy right? But nonetheless, it’s a common piece of wiring.
Taking the time to really hear your child and fully understand the nature of their fears and frustrations can be more effective than all the suggested possible tools and solutions to the problem combined. This poses a serious challenge for many of us because we spend so much of our lives trying to ‘fix’ rather than simply acknowledging the nature of those problems. It’s easy to feel that fixing is ‘the big piece’ in childhood anxiety disorders when actually, often, nurturing is the key component.
If you are able to greet your child’s struggles with a determined effort to understand them fully and you can suppress your own desire to offer constant fixes and explanations, you may find that this alone leads to a subtle increase in peace. Simply hearing them out and expressing understanding of their pain can be a massive relief for both of you, especially if the fixing mindset has driven your interactions about their anxiety for some time.
A soothing and understanding presence can be far more transformative for a child with an anxiety disorder than a problem-solving presence. So at least mix some of that approach in with the problem-solving part of the journey.
2. Encourage Feelings
Even adults who suffer from anxiety disorders find it very difficult to be effectively self-aware. So inevitably, the level of self-awareness that a child with anxiety brings to the table is often very low. You may have noticed that your child’s perception of events is often a poor reflection of reality.
We also live in an extremely over stimulating environment where most of our attention is constantly drawn to exterior tasks and interactions. This endless external sucking of attention can leave us with a very low level of true awareness around our own thoughts and feelings.
In addition to a poor base level of self-awareness, many children and adults alike have been conditioned to suppress much of what we feel. This can make the hard job of self-awareness even harder. We are often so busy trying to cover up our feelings that we forget to tune into or acknowledge them. Lord knows this is a complex topic for fully fledged adults with a fully developed brain let alone the average child with anxiety disorder.
One of the core skills behind managing mental health challenges like anxiety disorder is the ability to truly feel and understand what you’re going through. We often think we are angry when really, we are scared. We often think we are hungry when really, we are lonely. And it’s hard to get better when you haven’t even identified the actual problem.
We need to learn to observe our feelings and emotions whilst separating them from the events that triggered them.
Simply asking your child what the feelings are that they are experiencing or how certain events made them feel; will subtly trigger their brain into reflecting not only on other people and events but also on what’s happening internally for them.
You don’t need to actively point out to them the difference between an event and how they feel about that event, as this can be met with resistance. Simply asking how something makes your child feel, gently asking where in their body they feel it (like in their gut or their chest), is often sufficient to trigger some deeper acknowledgement that their feelings and thoughts are in fact not the same thing as an event.
Another question to pose to a child who is expressing struggle ‘is how would they prefer to feel? So when a child tells you about a situation they were unhappy about, you can perhaps, after asking them how they felt, ask them how they would prefer to feel. This process allows for a more positive reflection on their feelings, without you needing to offer any further reflections or solutions.
2. Encourage Feelings
Even adults who suffer from anxiety disorders find it very difficult to be effectively self-aware. So inevitably, the level of self-awareness that a child with anxiety brings to the table is often very low. You may have noticed that your child’s perception of events is often a poor reflection of reality.
We also live in an extremely over stimulating environment where most of our attention is constantly drawn to exterior tasks and interactions. This endless external sucking of attention can leave us with a very low level of true awareness around our own thoughts and feelings.
In addition to a poor base level of self-awareness, many children and adults alike have been conditioned to suppress much of what we feel. This can make the hard job of self-awareness even harder. We are often so busy trying to cover up our feelings that we forget to tune into or acknowledge them. Lord knows this is a complex topic for fully fledged adults with a fully developed brain let alone the average child with anxiety disorder.
One of the core skills behind managing mental health challenges like anxiety disorder is the ability to truly feel and understand what you’re going through. We often think we are angry when really, we are scared. We often think we are hungry when really, we are lonely. And it’s hard to get better when you haven’t even identified the actual problem.
We need to learn to observe our feelings and emotions whilst separating them from the events that triggered them.
Simply asking your child what the feelings are that they are experiencing or how certain events made them feel; will subtly trigger their brain into reflecting not only on other people and events but also on what’s happening internally for them.
You don’t need to actively point out to them the difference between an event and how they feel about that event, as this can be met with resistance. Simply asking how something makes your child feel, gently asking where in their body they feel it (like in their gut or their chest), is often sufficient to trigger some deeper acknowledgement that their feelings and thoughts are in fact not the same thing as an event.
Another question to pose to a child who is expressing struggle ‘is how would they prefer to feel? So when a child tells you about a situation they were unhappy about, you can perhaps, after asking them how they felt, ask them how they would prefer to feel. This process allows for a more positive reflection on their feelings, without you needing to offer any further reflections or solutions.
3. Cleaning Up Your Own House
Anxiety is not a behaviour, but it does relate to patterns of thought and behaviour that are at least partly learned.
Your child’s anxiety may not relate in any way to how you are around them, but it is certainly worth considering. And if it is partially because of your input, that’s no reason to beat yourself up. Everyone who has ever raised a child did so in a very human and imperfect way. You probably aren’t an exception.
It is also important to acknowledge that you are not the only source of conditioning your anxious child has been exposed to. Your child has been exposed to a vast array of different possible influences from other children, other adults, social media and even mainstream media and advertising. Gone are the days when we lived in small villages cut off from the outside world.
Have you ever met a badly behaved child or a badly behaved animal? And if so, have you ever thought it was pretty easy to see why they were the way they were, based on who cared for/raised them? There is a chance that this observation offers a deeper understanding of how your child developed an anxiety disorder.
The chances of a child developing an anxiety disorder are far greater if they are around adults who are anxious or unhappy. So many of our patterns of behaviour are learned, not all necessarily, but many are.
If your child is dealing with an anxiety disorder, it is well worth sitting down and really reflecting on which parts of your life you feel anxious about or are consistently unhappy about. A courageous and honest self-assessment can sometimes yield profound insights into some of the reasons why your child is anxious. They are little sponges, after all.
If, on brutally honest self-reflection, you suspect that your own patterns may, on some level, impact your child’s anxiety, it’s possible that the greatest gift you can give them and their journey towards healing is to confront your own forms of unhappiness courageously. Some parents have found that their own journey toward greater happiness and healing was the ultimate solution for their anxious child.
If nothing else, showing your child that you are willing to do your own work for your own happiness and take responsibility for your own feelings could be beneficial to them in the form of setting a solid example. If you advocate for your child to be proactive in pursuit of happiness, the least you can do for them is show them that you are proactive yourself.
If you do some honest self-inquiry and find that actually you are really genuinely happy and you are confident that your child’s anxiety isn’t related to your influence over them, then make sure they have ample opportunity to see that you are happy and do so often. Lead by example; happiness is a highly infectious condition.
4. Consider Trauma
Have you ever heard the phrase ‘gun shy’? Gun shy is a phrase adopted by dog trainers who trained dogs to hunt alongside a hunter with a rifle. If a dog is gun shy, it means they are terrified of the loud bang that comes from a rifle.
It is a telling fact of life that when a litter of gun dogs are born, at least one of them will be far too sensitive to be around loud noises. Whilst many (if not all) of their siblings will quickly learn to associate the loud crack of a gun with the excitement of the hunt. The puppy who becomes gun shy often never recovers from the shock of hearing the first gun go off. This fact of life points to what seems pretty self-evident; some of us are born with a more anxious disposition than others. It also points to the fact that some of us are far more sensitive to the contrast and adversity that life throws at us than others. These are the ones who are more prone to trauma and, therefore, more prone to anxiety.
We are all susceptible to trauma. Meaning that adverse life events can leave their mark on us in the form of mental health issues like anxiety disorders. Yet some of us are far more naturally equipped than others to cope with the rough-and-tumble of life than others. Those with a more sensitive disposition can be easily traumatised by relatively insignificant events.
If your child has been through some significant traumatising event, the impression it left on them likely contributes to their anxiety disorder. Hopefully, this is a pretty obvious fact.
What’s less obvious is the possibility that if you have a very sensitive child on your hands, they can sustain trauma through far more insignificant events. Events that, while milder, they simply weren’t able to process due to their sensitive nature. In either case, trauma is a very real and valid cause of anxiety.
If you suspect your child suffers from some form of trauma as part of their anxiety, there are most definitely ways to resolve that trauma. Therapies like the EMDR and Brainwave Entrainment are excellent tools that can bring great relief to an anxious child, so exploring those possibilities could be a key component in your child’s recovery. These tools involve little or no talking to strangers, too, which can be helpful with kids.
4. Consider Trauma
Have you ever heard the phrase ‘gun shy’? Gun shy is a phrase adopted by dog trainers who trained dogs to hunt alongside a hunter with a rifle. If a dog is gun shy, it means they are terrified of the loud bang that comes from a rifle.
It is a telling fact of life that when a litter of gun dogs are born, at least one of them will be far too sensitive to be around loud noises. Whilst many (if not all) of their siblings will quickly learn to associate the loud crack of a gun with the excitement of the hunt. The puppy who becomes gun shy often never recovers from the shock of hearing the first gun go off. This fact of life points to what seems pretty self-evident; some of us are born with a more anxious disposition than others. It also points to the fact that some of us are far more sensitive to the contrast and adversity that life throws at us than others. These are the ones who are more prone to trauma and, therefore, more prone to anxiety.
We are all susceptible to trauma. Meaning that adverse life events can leave their mark on us in the form of mental health issues like anxiety disorders. Yet some of us are far more naturally equipped than others to cope with the rough-and-tumble of life than others. Those with a more sensitive disposition can be easily traumatised by relatively insignificant events.
If your child has been through some significant traumatising event, the impression it left on them likely contributes to their anxiety disorder. Hopefully, this is a pretty obvious fact. ring might make it hard to love yourself, but practising kindness towards our bodies can have a positive ripple effect on the skin.
No matter the circumstances that push acne to flare up and scar, science has shown that natural approaches are a sustainable and efficient way to heal the skin. And while we always recommend seeking tailored advice about your concerns, tuning into your body and skin’s needs can help reduce acne scarring naturally.
What’s less obvious is the possibility that if you have a very sensitive child on your hands, they can sustain trauma through far more insignificant events. Events that, while milder, they simply weren’t able to process due to their sensitive nature. In either case, trauma is a very real and valid cause of anxiety.
If you suspect your child suffers from some form of trauma as part of their anxiety, there are most definitely ways to resolve that trauma. Therapies like the EMDR and Brainwave Entrainment are excellent tools that can bring great relief to an anxious child, so exploring those possibilities could be a key component in your child’s recovery. These tools involve little or no talking to strangers, too, which can be helpful with kids.
5. Validate Validate Validate
The chances are, while you feel a tremendous amount of empathy for your child and desperately want them to be okay, many of the things they feel insecure about seem pretty ridiculous to your more experienced and fully developed adult brain.
In addition to having far more life experience than your kid, it is a darn site easier for you to see what an amazing person your child really is and all the reasons why they don’t actually need to feel insecure than it is for them.
Once you combine your greater maturity, great insight, and clarity around who your child is, it is very tempting to respond to their struggles by bestowing all this wisdom upon them. It makes logical and perfect sense to want to explain to your child why they don’t need to feel anxious or insecure. But there is an inherent risk in this ‘explain to them why their insecurities are unfounded‘ approach, despite all the sound logic and positive intent held within it.
In many instances, when a child expresses their fears and insecurities, they are looking for some validation and just to be seen and heard. Even though they probably aren’t fully aware of this themselves. Your child identifies strongly with their thoughts and feelings, so if you tell them that the thoughts and feelings are wrong or don’t make sense, subconsciously, they can feel that you see them as such. This means that an approach where you choose to truly hear the thoughts and feelings, and acknowledge that the thoughts and feelings are very real for the child, can be better than explaining to them why the thoughts and feelings are flawed.
It is necessary to understand that while the pieces that make up your child’s insecurity may be completely bonkers, the experience and the feelings that go with it are very real for them. In other words, the concepts may be totally flawed, but the feelings are totally real. Acknowledging their feelings, telling them that it’s understandable to feel that way, and reminding them that we all feel insecure and different and, at times, is part of who we are, might be enough in the moment. And it may also subconsciously be the exact thing that your child needs from you in order to start the process of working through their feelings and thoughts rather than suppressing them.
When your child is suffering, you want them to feel better so badly that you would do anything to make it go away. So advising them on the inevitable and countless confusions they have about life seems like an absolute no-brainer. But the risk is that they receive this advice as a form of suppressing what they are thinking and feeling. It’s pretty ridiculous, of course, but they’re just kids who can’t grasp the pain that their suffering causes you as a person and that you are just desperately trying to help.
5. Validate Validate Validate
The chances are, while you feel a tremendous amount of empathy for your child and desperately want them to be okay, many of the things they feel insecure about seem pretty ridiculous to your more experienced and fully developed adult brain.
In addition to having far more life experience than your kid, it is a darn site easier for you to see what an amazing person your child really is and all the reasons why they don’t actually need to feel insecure than it is for them.
Once you combine your greater maturity, great insight, and clarity around who your child is, it is very tempting to respond to their struggles by bestowing all this wisdom upon them. It makes logical and perfect sense to want to explain to your child why they don’t need to feel anxious or insecure. But there is an inherent risk in this ‘explain to them why their insecurities are unfounded‘ approach, despite all the sound logic and positive intent held within it.
In many instances, when a child expresses their fears and insecurities, they are looking for some validation and just to be seen and heard. Even though they probably aren’t fully aware of this themselves. Your child identifies strongly with their thoughts and feelings, so if you tell them that the thoughts and feelings are wrong or don’t make sense, subconsciously, they can feel that you see them as such. This means that an approach where you choose to truly hear the thoughts and feelings, and acknowledge that the thoughts and feelings are very real for the child, can be better than explaining to them why the thoughts and feelings are flawed.
It is necessary to understand that while the pieces that make up your child’s insecurity may be completely bonkers, the experience and the feelings that go with it are very real for them. In other words, the concepts may be totally flawed, but the feelings are totally real. Acknowledging their feelings, telling them that it’s understandable to feel that way, and reminding them that we all feel insecure and different and, at times, is part of who we are, might be enough in the moment. And it may also subconsciously be the exact thing that your child needs from you in order to start the process of working through their feelings and thoughts rather than suppressing them.
When your child is suffering, you want them to feel better so badly that you would do anything to make it go away. So advising them on the inevitable and countless confusions, they have about life seems like an absolute no-brainer. But the risk is that they receive this advice as a form of suppressing what they are thinking and feeling. It’s pretty ridiculous, of course, but they’re just kids who can’t grasp the pain that their suffering causes you as a person and that you are just desperately trying to help.
Conclusion
The most important thing is often the most challenging thing. And on top of that, good things take time. These facts of life mean it may be the ‘not getting stressed about your child getting stressed’ that is the fundamental skill behind successfully helping a child with anxiety.
In order to not be stressed (or at least less stressed) about a child with anxiety, it is crucial to be patient, and it is necessary to try your very, very best to really understand them. All of the other solutions and healings tend to follow on from that foundation.
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